Goals and Fractions as Clear as Mud

Goals – I’ve been meeting them. A quarter of the way through this Wyoming and I’ve blogged and hiked at least once a week, run at least three times a week, and even pulled my bike out of the car trunk for a couple of rides. I’ve stayed within my grocery budget, avoided injuring myself, and enjoyed myself two or three times. I’ve worked on my fiction writing projects, poetry, and recipe thoughts. I’m gradually fulfilling the paperwork and research requirements of my employment program. And that’s about all that’s going on in my life at any point as I traipse about the Cowboy State on my own.

I interact with occasional casual acquaintance or random stranger and find the interactions equal parts stressful and interesting. Other person waiting at the bus stop, I’m texting as an indicator that I’m not available for a chat. But your conversation is basically just friendly, non-in-depth comments, so I’m not bothered overmuch by your ignoring that cue. Co-worker who tries to get me to agree with your comments without actually hearing them for myself, that’s not going to happen. I’d have to get along with you a lot better for a lot longer before there’s even a chance that I’ll trust you that far.

There was snow, for about twenty minutes yesterday morning. Then the sun showed up and it disappeared like it hadn’t actually started coating the ground in June. Nobody came to swim in the pool at the club, though. Overall, I’ve appreciated the cooler weather of the mountains as I extend my training runs, although it does make it more of a mental challenge to climb out of bed in the mornings.

This is the type of writing project I find frustrating. Nothing has happened since I last blogged that’s inspiring me to tell a story. Just the days, getting marked off on the calendar and I don’t even active mark them off, just observe the marker on the iCalendar as it edges forward through the month. This week holds the days that indicate I’ve completed 1/4 and 3/11s of my summer here. At the bottom edge of the iPad, I can see four weeks into the future, when I’ll reach the exciting 13/28s marker.

I’m tired and I’m energized with no clear correlation to when I last drank coffee, although it does seem to be related to when my runs feel most succsessful. I get up on time and I laze in bed for longer than I really should, because I have to remind myself that not going to work until 2 p.m. does not mean I ought to stay under the covers until 1:30. I feel strong and I feel sluggish depending on when I last ran or last ate. I feel productive and I feel pointless based on checkbook updating and room cleaning versus iPad games and random internet browsing. I go to bed and tell myself I should sleep and then wonder if I can just stay awake until the end of September. The panic about forgetting how to drive to work (something I haven’t had to do for over a year) and the kaleidoscopic interactions I’ve had with the odd characters around here in my recent dreams are making me more reluctant to see what my mind will come up with for entertainment while I’m unconscious.

So here’s a blog about exploring self and becoming more independent. Breaking free of the nest and spending my free time drinking coffee out of glasses in shops with WiFi. Not being myself because I’m with the wrong others and not being with others because they stop me from being myself. Life is happening this summer, slowly but surely. And I’m not giving up on the goals, even when the blog spews forth in disorder and opacity. Because I wasn’t silly enough to say I would blog sensibly. I simply promised to try for regularlity.



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